I'm Calm

To say that I've felt tumultuous lately is a huge understatement. I've decided not to swing to one extreme or the other in how I share my life in this blog. I used to be fairly guarded--only writing about my family's activities or my sweet children. Then, for a while, I decided to be super over-the-top and blab every blasted thing that went through my brain. Not such a wise idea either.

I am a real person. I have mood swings, emotional highs/lows, and drama deluxe. I can't and won't apologize for any of that. If anything I share on here can give someone something to relate to, then I feel satisfied.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Baby dolls covered every square inch of my bedroom at times (well, babies, barbies, and ponies). As for dreaming big and wanting to become a doctor, lawyer, vet, or anything like that, I never did.
Getting pregnant at the age of 17, and then marrying my darling husband right away didn't fit into my plans at all. In fact, I was dead set on doing something with my athletic side--playing basketball somewhere and exploring the world.

I never got that chance.

I'm not saying here that I blame anyone but myself for the choices I made. In fact, I thank God literally every day for Caitlin. She's an amazing, wonderful, loving child. I couldn't see my life without her now. I wouldn't want to be without her. I decided that since I had already been thrown in to the "mom role," I clearly needed to continue bearing children until John and I decided enough was enough.

For the record, I would have had 4. :)

Anyway, my only identities were wife to John and mom to the 3 C's. While that's all great and wonderful, I have known I was made for more. Delving into personal training has really awakened the once dead spirit within me. Not the spirit or soul we speak of in Christianity, but the spirit---the light---the part of me that glows. I came alive in this world, and that's something I had craved for a very long time.

The way I went about presenting myself and my new found "light" was not exactly what I had planned out beforehand.

It just happened.

Thus, I was left with a struggling marriage and an unhappy life. I began to act out and rebel against everything possible.

*I accept that I'm a rebel by nature, but that can be used wisely*

My heart was fragmented. My entire being was tired.

I was hurting.

In response to the pain, I became boisterous. Loud. Ornery.

I'm here today to say I'm now calm. Cool. Collected.

My thoughts may still be random, my being worn down. Drama may raise its ugly head from time to time, but it no longer controls me. I'm unafraid to be who I was created to be.

I'm calm.

~Mel