Compromise/For Future Reference

I've grown weary of constantly compromising. Sure, there are times in life you MUST compromise. It is the foundation of any good relationship to compromise now and then. I'm talking about the kind of compromise that rids your life of anything and everything you hold to be true and right. I speak of morals, values, etc.
My ex-husband (John) seems to have compromised his life to the point to where it doesn't even resemble HIM anymore. I swore on everything that I would maintain what I believed no matter the cost.

 Have I chosen to bend on certain things? Unfortunately, I believe I have.

Can it be fixed? Sure. Anything worth saving or having can be fixed.

That brings me to my latest edition of "For Future Reference"....

To Caitlin: There are more important things to life than "things" themselves. Sure, it's natural to be jealous of others your age. There will always be someone who is smarter, stronger, wiser, better dressed, more popular, more lovely, sporting a better body, etc. Remember what IS important: family, love, friends, taking care of yourself inside and out, the basic necessities, pleases and thank yous, yes ma'ams and yes sirs, telling the truth, getting your schoolwork completed, and respecting all authority. I say this because I see a dangerous trend in young lives these days. Without your phone, your tablet, your Instagram, your trendy clothing, your makeup, and your hair products, who/what would you be? If you can honestly answer that question and be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, then you understand what I am trying to say.
In the words of Dr. Seuss....

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  :)

To Christian: Do NOT be afraid to voice your opinion. If I ask which shoes you want to buy, it's more than okay to like something that I don't find fashionable. I want you to continue to blossom into your own person. I love the little funny things you do: hiding around corners and jumping out at me, quoting random characters from cartoons and making me laugh, running around like you have rubber legs, and overall being such a good boy. Getting orange notes every now and then isn't life threatening, but try to control yourself in the classroom. You are there to LEARN, boy. :)

To Caroline: It amazes me how much you are like me! Holy cow...drama queen! Oh, and it's okay to admit I am right. Those jeans you've always hated look so darn cute on you. And, the fact that you like the buttons on the back pockets now tickles me pink. I'm so proud of the way you've been handling situations around you. For only being 6, you act as though you are 20. I know you love lipstick, perfume, and fancy girly things. Just remember there is a time and place for it all. And, I'd love to hear the answer to Kirk's question from yesterday: "Caroline, what color is the sky in your world?" :)                                       

Blending

The following picture and letter came from Jada P. Smith's Facebook page....

"A letter to a friend:
Blended families are NEVER easy, but here's why I don't have a lot of sympathy for your situation because... we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package...Period! If I didn't want that...I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey...I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him...his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other... but we have learned to LOVE each other.

I can't support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can't say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT'S selfishness...NOT love. WOMAN UP... I've been there...I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It's time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are."
J



****The above made me think about the way I handle having an ex-husband who has a new wife. I felt so much anger toward her for her actions, but honestly most of my anger came from her lack of respect for me as the mother of Caitlin, Christian, and Caroline. She married my ex knowing he had 3 children, and that I am and forever will be in his life. I would give my life for them. Their smiles are my saving grace. Understanding that I am the one who gave birth to these 3 precious babies would save her and me a lot of hostility.

I have seen the example of how you should approach this kind of subject by watching Kirk with the 3 C's. He is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful. He never talks bad about their father, always maintains his composure, encourages their relationships with the other set of parents, and tries his best to make it all blend seamlessly. After all, that's what it's about: blending so it becomes one big family to surround, nurture, love and care for the children.
~Mel

Play On

Violin playing is a passion of mine. I've played for over 20 years now, and I am continuing to learn new songs. I also enjoy going back through my Suzuki violin books 1-8 and trying to play each piece perfectly.

I picture myself standing in a little classroom at the Greater Southwest Music Festival. Desks are all around, yet there are only 3 people in the room---a pianist perched on a piano bench with hands ready to accompany me, the judge, and me. I nod at the pianist, and we take off down a path of notes that would seem hard to follow by most. I pianissimo and forte with ease. My bow flies wildly, yet I'm fully in control. No tape strips on my fingerboard to help with the higher notes---just my ear to guide me. I feel every note and every beat with such passion that I close my eyes and lose all need to concentrate on each individual finger movement. I've been preparing for at least 6 months for this day, and it's not over until the final vibrato fades. I'm such a perfectionist that each finger on each string must be exact. Otherwise, I feel as though I have failed. To the untrained ear, it would seem as though I complain over nothing. To me, however, there's definitely a difference. I pause for a split second as my bow lifts from the strings. I tuck my violin under my arm and take my bow.

Finito.

I then must wait for my placement. Is it 1st? Is it Outstanding?

I sometimes feel as though I've patterned my life after a Greater Southwest Music Festival...being deathly afraid of failure and attempting to be perfect. I realize now after many failed performances that all I can do is my very best. I will be accomanied by many a person, and each experience will be trying. I will take my final bow, but hopefully not until I've given my greatest performance and the music of my life has faded.

Play on...

~Mel

For Future Reference

I've often contemplated writing a book to my children called, "For Future Reference." I have things that pop into my mind from time to time that I NEED them to know. Whether it be for survival, for necessity, for fun, or just FYI, I want them to come back to my written words. So, from now on, when I write a post like this, it will be called, "For Future Reference."

To begin:

1. For Caitlin: The fine art of makeup is one very rarely understood. The whole point is to appear as though you aren't wearing any/much at all. To do so, go with what looks natural. Play up those gorgeous blue eyes and stay away from stuff that makes you look too old. After all, you are only 14. Oh, and DO NOT start thinking Victoria's Secret is a place you need to be shopping. They make their money off of flaunting women as if they are toys or objects. Yes, I own items from that store, but I am also 31. Take that for what it's worth. Also, you're worth fighting for...always.

2. For Caroline: That front-toothless grin is precious. Don't let any little boy tell you otherwise, even Sammy. You are the sunshine in many lives. I will never stop wanting to hold your hand. Remember the day you told me your heart is the size of your fist and my heart is the size of my fist, so your heart fits in my heart? I could't have said it better. I will hold that sweet little heart in my hand for the rest of my life. Oh, and you can have the flashlight as long as you need it. :)

3. For Christian: It's 100% OKAY to be a boy. Yes, I'll let you be ornery, shoot me with Nerf guns, scare me with your Ironman mask, and chase your sisters with gooey sticky yucky things. Let the strong men in your life be your influences. Eat more chicken/beef, make sure you always say, "Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir" when appropriate, and remember: You make me happy and proud, and I love you.

I'll Be Fine

Since the age of 3 I've dreamed of becoming a police officer. 

Why?

I really have no idea. Maybe because I sat up late at night and listened to my dad's police scanner waiting for any action he was involved in. Maybe it's because I highly support and am forever impressed by the special people who are our public servants. 

I believed I was meant to be one. 

Not so fast, Melissa. Not so fast.

*deep sigh*

The first time I applied for APD (Amarillo Police Department), I made it all the way to the final interview. It was a long, grueling 6 month process, but I made it. The only problem was, John didn't support my career choice, and his National Guard status changed. We were going to be moving to Missouri for 6 months.
Darn. Had to tell APD "no thank you" this time around. There's always next time, right?

Well, the second time I applied with them, I made it all the way to the final interview. I even thought I did a bang up job IN the interview. Unfortunately, someone on the board misjudged me and I was told "no thank you." Hmmm....

I told myself I wouldn't apply again. Why put myself through the 6 months of misery only to be denied a third time? No sir. Not me. I still have my pride.

I applied again. Went through all of the crap again. This time, though, it took a different turn. I failed the background check. 

WTF?!?

How is this possible when my background info has NOT changed in 2 years?!?  I mean, really? In fact, my background was only done 6 months ago...something isn't right here.

No APD.

No fulfillment of dreams.

I'm finished.

My pride is hurt, my head is low. My heart aches with the knowledge that maybe I've made a mistake in my life by thinking I was meant to do something like this. 

Obviously, I'm not police officer material.

So, here I am, pouring out my soul into a blog that probably no one reads. It just feels good to type it. It's part of letting go...part of the healing process. It hurts SO DAMN BAD. 

I'll be fine.

~Mel