...and hello 2010.
A new month. A new year. A new decade. Who could ask for more of a fresh start?
In no way was 2009 a good year for me. I hated every minute of it from about August on. At times, it felt like life was spiraling out of control and there was no way to recover. I felt alone, ashamed, sick, sad, confused, frustrated, numb, angry, and much more. I was not prepared to handle the roller coaster of emotions (and even the lack thereof) that I experienced.
Let's play some catch up, shall we?
John's 13 weeks in basic training was...HARD. Although I had always considered myself to be a strong woman, I failed in many ways.
Enough said.
It was so frustrating to know in my mind and heart that I had a wonderful husband far away serving our country, when I would spend 13 weeks of nights alone with 3 children. Of course family members helped me, and I was blessed beyond measure by them. But, there has forever been an independent nature inside of me that screams to get out--in other words, I feel like I must take care of things myself or I would be a failure. I did some things that made people "assume" I had fallen off the deep end. I got an eyebrow piercing, got a new tattoo, and dyed my hair. After all, you know that's what a person does when they are going off the deep end. *touch of sarcasm there* Heaven forbid people see the things I did right, like run a 1/2 marathon, take care of 3 children day and night, take a night class to become a personal trainer...you know, those things.
*ahem*
Unfortunately, when John returned from what was really just a drop in the "serving our country for an extended period of time" bucket, things went from good to bad...then bad to worse...then to just plain overwhelming. And let me assure you none of our problems stemmed from the fact that I got the piercing, tattoo, and dyed my hair. We were 2 different people: he in a good way, me in a not so good way. He came back a more loving, caring, kind, amazing man. I was left numb by circumstances that were totally within my control that I chose to let overtake me, and he came home to a cold, unresponsive, and depressed wife.
(You might be asking, "Why in the world is she sharing this?" It's the truth, folks. Plain and simple. And I refuse to hide from it for the rest of my life. Judge if you must--or stop reading. Just know it's REAL life, and sometimes real life is not pretty.)
As much as John and I love each other, there was a point when we couldn't see the silver lining in anything. We felt doomed as a couple--as a family--as individuals. I can't say that I've ever gotten to that point before, but I can safely say I don't ever want to go there again. It took weeks/months to reconnect and repair the damage done. The one thing we knew for sure: God had a plan for us, and He put us together for a reason. We haven't made it 13 years to give up now. We have fought tooth and nail for everything we have gained back. John has poured out his love to me, and I have slowly regained my emotions and sense of well being.
*during this time, sweet Caroline had her 3rd birthday, and darling Caitlin had her 11th birthday. Our babies are growing up. Bleh.*
Last night, New Year's Eve, was not necessarily about escaping the crap that happened in 2009. To me, it's like a completely new beginning. I can safely say John and I made the RIGHT choices about our marriage and family, no matter what outsiders may think or feel. He is the most honorable, loving, giving, kind, and handsome man I've ever met. I don't deserve him, but God has allowed me to continue to be a part of his life. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend the next decade with, and that's the truth. We are healing, slowly but surely. Each day, it gets better and better. I smile more, and I laugh louder. I can be myself and feel every emotion I once lost, just as deeply as before. I'm not afraid to cry, be honest, step out of my comfort zone, or allow people to see the real me.
*And I got the chance to start playing my violin again. I couldn't ask for more.*
There are many changes coming up in 2010, and although I don't know them all right now, I know it's been promised to us. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. We are the Haskell Rascals, and nothing is going to change that.
And FYI: I removed the eyebrow piercing. It just wasn't me.
~Mel
3 comments:
I know that 2010 will be a great year for you. I also want to let you know that I am here for you one army wife to another. Just take it one day at a time and be patient with each other Basic Training changes them and we change ourselves while they are gone. Just keep going you things will work out for the best. If you need anything I will be here for ya.
The past is the past. You've had the car wreck, people got hurt, the clean-up crew has already been there, the insurance has been taken care of, now you have to re-adjust and get use to driving again. It's hard - I know....I have been there. But you have to go slow and don't go back to the scene of the accident - it's over. 2010 is a new year with new beginnings. Something that helped me alot was Phil 3:13-14. I am so proud of you. I am proud to call you friend! I love you sister!
I am glad that you are back in the blogging world! (Not that I claim to keep up with mine very well!) I love you and love that you shared your heart with us! Call if you ever need anything! Looking forward to more reading!!
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