Compromise/For Future Reference

I've grown weary of constantly compromising. Sure, there are times in life you MUST compromise. It is the foundation of any good relationship to compromise now and then. I'm talking about the kind of compromise that rids your life of anything and everything you hold to be true and right. I speak of morals, values, etc.
My ex-husband (John) seems to have compromised his life to the point to where it doesn't even resemble HIM anymore. I swore on everything that I would maintain what I believed no matter the cost.

 Have I chosen to bend on certain things? Unfortunately, I believe I have.

Can it be fixed? Sure. Anything worth saving or having can be fixed.

That brings me to my latest edition of "For Future Reference"....

To Caitlin: There are more important things to life than "things" themselves. Sure, it's natural to be jealous of others your age. There will always be someone who is smarter, stronger, wiser, better dressed, more popular, more lovely, sporting a better body, etc. Remember what IS important: family, love, friends, taking care of yourself inside and out, the basic necessities, pleases and thank yous, yes ma'ams and yes sirs, telling the truth, getting your schoolwork completed, and respecting all authority. I say this because I see a dangerous trend in young lives these days. Without your phone, your tablet, your Instagram, your trendy clothing, your makeup, and your hair products, who/what would you be? If you can honestly answer that question and be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile, then you understand what I am trying to say.
In the words of Dr. Seuss....

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  :)

To Christian: Do NOT be afraid to voice your opinion. If I ask which shoes you want to buy, it's more than okay to like something that I don't find fashionable. I want you to continue to blossom into your own person. I love the little funny things you do: hiding around corners and jumping out at me, quoting random characters from cartoons and making me laugh, running around like you have rubber legs, and overall being such a good boy. Getting orange notes every now and then isn't life threatening, but try to control yourself in the classroom. You are there to LEARN, boy. :)

To Caroline: It amazes me how much you are like me! Holy cow...drama queen! Oh, and it's okay to admit I am right. Those jeans you've always hated look so darn cute on you. And, the fact that you like the buttons on the back pockets now tickles me pink. I'm so proud of the way you've been handling situations around you. For only being 6, you act as though you are 20. I know you love lipstick, perfume, and fancy girly things. Just remember there is a time and place for it all. And, I'd love to hear the answer to Kirk's question from yesterday: "Caroline, what color is the sky in your world?" :)                                       

Blending

The following picture and letter came from Jada P. Smith's Facebook page....

"A letter to a friend:
Blended families are NEVER easy, but here's why I don't have a lot of sympathy for your situation because... we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package...Period! If I didn't want that...I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey...I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him...his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other... but we have learned to LOVE each other.

I can't support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can't say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT'S selfishness...NOT love. WOMAN UP... I've been there...I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It's time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are."
J



****The above made me think about the way I handle having an ex-husband who has a new wife. I felt so much anger toward her for her actions, but honestly most of my anger came from her lack of respect for me as the mother of Caitlin, Christian, and Caroline. She married my ex knowing he had 3 children, and that I am and forever will be in his life. I would give my life for them. Their smiles are my saving grace. Understanding that I am the one who gave birth to these 3 precious babies would save her and me a lot of hostility.

I have seen the example of how you should approach this kind of subject by watching Kirk with the 3 C's. He is kind, loving, caring, and wonderful. He never talks bad about their father, always maintains his composure, encourages their relationships with the other set of parents, and tries his best to make it all blend seamlessly. After all, that's what it's about: blending so it becomes one big family to surround, nurture, love and care for the children.
~Mel

Play On

Violin playing is a passion of mine. I've played for over 20 years now, and I am continuing to learn new songs. I also enjoy going back through my Suzuki violin books 1-8 and trying to play each piece perfectly.

I picture myself standing in a little classroom at the Greater Southwest Music Festival. Desks are all around, yet there are only 3 people in the room---a pianist perched on a piano bench with hands ready to accompany me, the judge, and me. I nod at the pianist, and we take off down a path of notes that would seem hard to follow by most. I pianissimo and forte with ease. My bow flies wildly, yet I'm fully in control. No tape strips on my fingerboard to help with the higher notes---just my ear to guide me. I feel every note and every beat with such passion that I close my eyes and lose all need to concentrate on each individual finger movement. I've been preparing for at least 6 months for this day, and it's not over until the final vibrato fades. I'm such a perfectionist that each finger on each string must be exact. Otherwise, I feel as though I have failed. To the untrained ear, it would seem as though I complain over nothing. To me, however, there's definitely a difference. I pause for a split second as my bow lifts from the strings. I tuck my violin under my arm and take my bow.

Finito.

I then must wait for my placement. Is it 1st? Is it Outstanding?

I sometimes feel as though I've patterned my life after a Greater Southwest Music Festival...being deathly afraid of failure and attempting to be perfect. I realize now after many failed performances that all I can do is my very best. I will be accomanied by many a person, and each experience will be trying. I will take my final bow, but hopefully not until I've given my greatest performance and the music of my life has faded.

Play on...

~Mel

For Future Reference

I've often contemplated writing a book to my children called, "For Future Reference." I have things that pop into my mind from time to time that I NEED them to know. Whether it be for survival, for necessity, for fun, or just FYI, I want them to come back to my written words. So, from now on, when I write a post like this, it will be called, "For Future Reference."

To begin:

1. For Caitlin: The fine art of makeup is one very rarely understood. The whole point is to appear as though you aren't wearing any/much at all. To do so, go with what looks natural. Play up those gorgeous blue eyes and stay away from stuff that makes you look too old. After all, you are only 14. Oh, and DO NOT start thinking Victoria's Secret is a place you need to be shopping. They make their money off of flaunting women as if they are toys or objects. Yes, I own items from that store, but I am also 31. Take that for what it's worth. Also, you're worth fighting for...always.

2. For Caroline: That front-toothless grin is precious. Don't let any little boy tell you otherwise, even Sammy. You are the sunshine in many lives. I will never stop wanting to hold your hand. Remember the day you told me your heart is the size of your fist and my heart is the size of my fist, so your heart fits in my heart? I could't have said it better. I will hold that sweet little heart in my hand for the rest of my life. Oh, and you can have the flashlight as long as you need it. :)

3. For Christian: It's 100% OKAY to be a boy. Yes, I'll let you be ornery, shoot me with Nerf guns, scare me with your Ironman mask, and chase your sisters with gooey sticky yucky things. Let the strong men in your life be your influences. Eat more chicken/beef, make sure you always say, "Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir" when appropriate, and remember: You make me happy and proud, and I love you.

I'll Be Fine

Since the age of 3 I've dreamed of becoming a police officer. 

Why?

I really have no idea. Maybe because I sat up late at night and listened to my dad's police scanner waiting for any action he was involved in. Maybe it's because I highly support and am forever impressed by the special people who are our public servants. 

I believed I was meant to be one. 

Not so fast, Melissa. Not so fast.

*deep sigh*

The first time I applied for APD (Amarillo Police Department), I made it all the way to the final interview. It was a long, grueling 6 month process, but I made it. The only problem was, John didn't support my career choice, and his National Guard status changed. We were going to be moving to Missouri for 6 months.
Darn. Had to tell APD "no thank you" this time around. There's always next time, right?

Well, the second time I applied with them, I made it all the way to the final interview. I even thought I did a bang up job IN the interview. Unfortunately, someone on the board misjudged me and I was told "no thank you." Hmmm....

I told myself I wouldn't apply again. Why put myself through the 6 months of misery only to be denied a third time? No sir. Not me. I still have my pride.

I applied again. Went through all of the crap again. This time, though, it took a different turn. I failed the background check. 

WTF?!?

How is this possible when my background info has NOT changed in 2 years?!?  I mean, really? In fact, my background was only done 6 months ago...something isn't right here.

No APD.

No fulfillment of dreams.

I'm finished.

My pride is hurt, my head is low. My heart aches with the knowledge that maybe I've made a mistake in my life by thinking I was meant to do something like this. 

Obviously, I'm not police officer material.

So, here I am, pouring out my soul into a blog that probably no one reads. It just feels good to type it. It's part of letting go...part of the healing process. It hurts SO DAMN BAD. 

I'll be fine.

~Mel

Too Many Questions. Not Enough Answers.

I'm going to try to be mostly upbeat and positive on this blog. I promise.

However, there are times when I just write what I'm thinking, and that may not be what anyone else wants to read.

The difficulties of broken families are numerous. Everyone expects the children to just "be okay." That's not normal, though. And, when you throw in new parental units, issues that would have long ago been very small suddenly seem the size of the planet.
How do you help them heal? How do you comfort family members who deal with anger, frustration, and sometimes hatred...the very things I deal with on a regular basis? All I've ever wanted is peace, love, and happiness for my 3 C's. That's all any family member wants for them...both sides of their families.How do you properly nurture their inner beings and keep from having them crushed by the weight of adult decisions?

Too many questions. Not enough answers.

I want to be a strong momma. I know they have a good daddy. The people that he and I have chosen to bring into our lives to help raise these babies should be nothing but positive role models.
I pray they BOTH are.

I struggle. Anger is HUGE when it comes to how the 3 C's are treated. Is it fair? Is it right? Are they properly nurtured from both sides?

All I can do is what I know to do. Love them. Hug them. Kiss them. Hold them. Smile at/with them. Be there for them. Cry with them.

Through all of this, I hope they become better people. I hope my 3 C's learn compassion, tenderness,
and understanding. Ultimately, that's all that matters.

~Mel

Tears

Do you ever have days where you just cry?

*If you're a man and you answered no, I clearly understand. I'm probably speaking to my lady friends here*

I had one of those days today. I have absolutely NOTHING to cry about. I'm a happy person. Life is seeming to be going just the way I always wanted.

I've just cried.
On and off all day, the water works kick in.
I can't make it stop.

Even as I type, I'm crying.

Could it be that I'm just THAT emotional still?

I'm loved, needed, wanted. This, I know. My life is taking on a new direction, one that I'm proud of and exited about. Physically, I'm healing from the flu, a sinus infection, and an upper respiratory infection. I'm a tiny bit tired, but who isn't these days?

The cold weather zaps me, yet I'm fortunate enough to have a nice, toasty house.

I miss my 3 beautiful children when they aren't around. That does cause tears now and then. But, Kirk is always here to cheer me up when I'm the lowest.

I have a good job. It pays well, the hours are awesome, and 75% of the time I enjoy it.

Yet, I cry.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I certainly hope it is, because I'm running out of puffy eye therapy cream.

:)

~Mel

Pink Oranges?!?

Since the divorce, LOTS of things have had to change. That includes my diet (unfortunately). For roughly 5 years now, the 3 C's and I have been eating nothing but organic. I really thought it made me feel better overall, and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I still buy some organic/all natural, but my pocket book has dramatically shrunk. That being said, I don't compromise on certain items...fresh fruits, vegetables, milk, and meats. Those are still organic in this household.

Last night was an exception. After Kirk left for work (roughly 10pm), I decided to go buy a few things at the store. 

*Mainly I was bored and alone. I felt like getting out and keeping myself up all night because I'm on my weekend. Stupid, huh.*

Anywho, I ran across some funky new fruits. Against my better judgement, I bought them. 

Ever heard of a Pumalo? How about pink oranges (they're pink on the inside)? Well, so far these are both a hit with the younger 2 C's. Funky fruits. What next?

*FYI: my faaaaaavorite fruit of all time is a pluot. It's a cross between a plum and an apricot. I see them only in the summertime. Try them!*

When Christian was eating his slices of pink orange, he said, "Hey Momma, so THIS is what pink lemonade is made from!" 

Ummmm, no, son. That would be LEMONS. Get your citrus fruits straight. :)

~Mel

RANDOMNESS ALERT

I used to be a social butterfly. I would keep up with EVERYONE, whether it be through Facebook, blogs, Twitter, texts, Skype, phone calls, etc.

I have no clue what has happened to me. It's almost like I'm more comfortable hiding from all forms of communication. UGH.

I have been blessed with so many sweet friends, and my "keeping up skills" are sooooooo lacking right now. APOLOGIES!!

Anywho....

Work has been quite the trip lately. I think we're currently "babysitting" every lunatic in Amarillo. Is it a full moon? I swear that has something to do with it. I've seen more strangeness in the past 2 weeks than in my almost 3 years of working there. Crap.
Let me give you an example of how a day in a pod goes. In fact, I'm going to add in the fun stuff that happened just 3 days ago so you can see what I'm talking about here....

6:30am--muster (group meeting to discuss the previous night's events, if any)

7:00am--head count (i have a count stick that beeps every door on top and bottom rows to keep track of how many females i have in a pod. the maximum i can have is 48. right now we hover between 35 and 45), paperwork, eat my breakfast

7:30am--either top or bottom row cleans their cells. most complain/bitch/whine/ignore this part, for which they can receive disciplinary action. on this particular day, i had 2 refuse. fun times.

7:45am--head count

8:00am--dayroom opens (meaning the females can come out to the common area where the tables/tv/phones are and hang out
***i had a female "forget" to catch her door when i rolled it open. she requested i let her out, to which my answer was "no." she didn't like that answer, so she threw herself and her huge property box against the door. disciplinary action was taken. fun times.***

8:15am--medication pass/tb tests given

8:30am--head count

***around 8:45am, i had a female cough so hard she threw up in her hands, ran to the sink, and threw it in there. i then had 5 other females threaten to kick her a$$, so intervention was necessary. fun times***

9:15am--head count

10:00am--commissary comes in (this is where the inmates purchase food/toiletries/clothing/shoes), head count

10:30am--dayroom closes, everyone prepares to eat lunch
***one of my crazy ladies decides to throw a mass quantity hissy fit. she screamed at the top of her lungs because someone looked at her sideways. fun times.***

10:45am--head count and city arraignments, if any

11:05am--lunch time
***a pregnant girl decides to get sick and throw up in one of the dayroom toilets. fun times.***

11:30am--head count

11:45am-12:00pm--first round of officer lunch breaks

12:15pm--head count and county arraignments, if any

12:15pm-1:00pm--second round of officer lunch breaks

1:00pm--head count. time for my AdSeg (female on administrative segregation due to inciting riots) to get her 1 hour of dayroom ALONE. she decides to talk my head off, take a shower, talk my head off some more, request every form to fill out known to man, and talk some more. fun times.

1:45pm--head count. still listening to AdSeg female talk my head off. fun times.

2:00pm--official count time. all inmate movement in the jail stops, and everyone is accounted for. AdSeg female goes back to cell, dayroom re-opens to all other females.

2:30pm--head count.
***same crazy lady mentioned above begins screaming at the top of her lungs again because i didn't get her a roll of toilet paper fast enough. she is also AdSeg, but she's so crazy she never comes out. it's sad, really. fun times.***

2:45pm--next shift comes in to count and take over

3:00pm--my tired rump drags home and it's nap time. :)

So there you have it. FUN TIMES. Actually, I really like my job. It's not for everyone, but it's my cup of tea. It can make me laugh, cry, scream, and go just as crazy as 1/2 of the females in custody. Never a dull moment.

Ok, enough randomness for tonight.
Peace, love, and chicken wings.

~Mel

Once Upon A Time Part 2

(continued from Part 1)

To say that my life was turned upside down is an understatement. I've been married for 14 years, so things like bills, house maintenance, child rearing, etc. were put in a whole new light. There were days when the bank account was empty. Living the life of extravagance was no longer an option. That sweet bright orange 2011 Camaro RS had to go.

It was time to grow up.

I can honestly say I'm no longer scared. I know I can take care of myself and the 3 C's. I wish John the best with his life, new wife, and new children. I hope he has all he needs, wants, and wishes for. I truly mean that. Of course, those feelings of anger surface now and then, but it's how I choose to deal with them that makes me or breaks me. John is a wonderful father. I will never say differently. I just pray he and I can continue to be team so we can raise the sweet C's and give them full, beautiful, loving lives.
There is always good in EVERY situation. Goodbye to the Haskell Rascals.

And now you know...the rest of the story. *said in my best Paul Harvey voice* :)

________________________________________________________________

ONCE UPON A TIME....

And now begins a new story. A new chapter in the life of Melissa.

I worried often. How would dating be? After all, I haven't "dated" since the age of 17. Would there be a man out there who could love me AND my 3 C's? Would any man even stick around?? What would it be like to meet a new family? Would I be accepted? How long should I wait before dating? When should I introduce the right guy to my C's? Would I be crazy for eventually remarrying? How would my parents feel? How will my babies feel? ACK!!!!

I settled in to a routine and basically figured I'd be alone for a while. I had accepted that fate.
But, sometimes things happen that I can't explain. God shakes my world up even more than before.

And, that's when I met him.

Let me introduce you to someone very special.

This is Kirk.
He's a fun-loving, horse riding, bodybuilding, golfing, sweet talking, kid wrestling/teasing darling. Oh...and he's a police officer. He came into my life when I least expected it.
From across the gym, he casually walked over and introduced himself. I wasn't very nice, I'm sure. After all, I wasn't really looking for a man...I was quite sick of men already. :)
He is patient, kind, loving, and fun! All of the questions that had run through my head were answered. The timing of meeting my children, my family, his family, etc. felt perfect.

I'm sure there are some of you out there thinking, "What in the world is she doing? Already with someone? Already getting that close to another man? She's definitely crazy and heading for trouble."

It's ok that you think that. But, you're wrong.

Kirk treats my 3 C's as if they were his own. He has no children, so they are blessed to get his undivided attention. I can honestly say I've laughed/smiled more, felt accepted and loved, and I'm becoming very spoiled....in a good way, of course. :)

All of this being said, be prepared to hear more from us! I'm excited to get back into blogging, so be watching for new posts often!

Much love.

Once Upon A Time....Part 1

Once upon a time....
That IS how a fairy tale begins, right?

Well, before I dive head first into one of the most difficult posts I will possibly ever write, I want to say that fairy tales don't always have happy endings. That doesn't mean, however, that life stops. In fact, for me, I believe it's just beginning.

I never in a million bazillion catrillion years would have thought I, Melissa, would be divorced and thrown into the life of a single mom at age 31. After all, I had the PERFECT life. John and I were God-fearing individuals who had love, 3 beautiful children, 2 awesome jobs, money, a great house, 3 nice cars, and basically anything/everything that sums up the American Dream.

In a matter of 9 months, every single bit of that went up in smoke.

Who is to blame for such a tragedy? What about the children? WHY did this happen?

I still don't have answers to some of my questions, honestly. At this point, I am not sure it would really make a difference if I did.
Here it goes...

As most of you know, John is in the National Guard. He was called up to active duty for classes/training in Missouri from February until June of 2012. We were all supposed to move there, but due to financial situations beyond our control, the children and I were forced to stay behind. We kept up as any family would...phone calls, texts, Skype. Both John and I did our best to maintain a normal existence. When John returned in June, things changed. We had changed. Hearts were broken, and everything we were ever taught about a Christian marriage and life went out the window with one single word. DIVORCE.

Judge us if you will, but only if you've never sinned.

I would love to sit here and pour out my feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, pain, bitterness, and hopelessness. I would probably enjoy making John look like a fool for the odd and ridiculous choices he has made. I would also love to blame it solely on him...

...but I can't.

I'm responsible for this as well. There.

Unfortunately, I believe the military can ruin the strongest of men, the most tight knit of families. Separation leads to temptation. Anger to hatred. Temptation to blindness. Blindness to endings...

Only 2 weeks after being home from Missouri, John filed for divorce. Everything was final in September. I was left with an empty house on the days the children were with him. I found myself laying on the floor in the dark, alone, kicking and screaming like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum. I wanted my life back and NOW. My job became more stressful, I dreaded being in public, and I feared what everyone around me thought and said.

ALONE. UNWANTED. SCARED.

No fairy tale ending here.

(continued in Part 2)